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Marriage Counseling
Advice for Singles

Looking for a Soul Mate?
Secretly we all are looking for a Soul Mate but most of us are afraid to ask for one. It’s as if we believe that if we shoot too high, shoot for the most perfect person who will fulfill our wildest dreams, that we will never find that person. So what most people do is cave into their fears and settle for a sweetheart who may very well be a good person, but requires too many compromises to fulfill a meaningful relationship. At the very least when you compromise like this you end up living with a friend or a housemate, not with a vibrant, romantic, intellectually stimulating partner. What do you want?

In order to find your Soul Mate it is important that you dispel the myth that finding such a person is impossible. Yes it may be a lot of work to find such a person, but the work pays off in one of the most meaningful, loving relationships of your lifetime. It’s a long-term gain worth putting some effort into wouldn’t you say?

Along with your negative belief about finding such an ideal person, you need to dispense with your fears of being alone. It is far better to be alone than with the wrong person, as anyone with a few years of unsuccessful dating or a sour marriage can attest. Fear clouds your judgment. It holds you back from seeking opportunities or even noticing them for that matter. Granted, dealing with your fears can be overwhelming. Often it is useful to seek the help of a psychologist to help you clean up the irrational fears and beliefs that have been guiding your decisions so far.

Assuming that you allow yourself to believe that you can find a Soul Mate and that you have dispensed with the fear of being alone, you are ready to begin your search. Make a list of the qualities you are looking for in this person. Be as picky as you want. If he or she is to fit nicely into your life, then you need to be specific. Don’t compromise. List everything your heart desires from physical appearance, to political beliefs, to leisure interests, to favorite foods. It’s all important. In fact, it is often the small details that make or break a relationship so put them all on your list, big and small.

After you make your list, ask yourself if this list is a good match for you. Remember opposites attract, but the best partners are much like ourselves. If your list describes your opposite, you might want to rework it. Also take note of items you desire in your sweetheart, that you yourself have not developed fully. This list can also be the beginning of a self improvement plan.

Once you have your list and you have allowed yourself to shoot for the moon so to speak, ask yourself where you are likely to meet such a person. I realize that your highly specific list has narrowed down the playing field, but that’s the point. No more dating nice people. Now you are searching for your match and that isn’t just anybody. Just as you wouldn’t buy just any car, or move into just any apartment, you shouldn’t settle for just any partner. You want to narrow your search to the range of really available and desirable people for you. This person is likely to be found in the world that you inhabit already but specifically at the meetings, classes, art galleries, political rallies and the like that hold fascination for you.

To further hone your skills at self discovery and finding the perfect Soul Mate for you it may be helpful to meet with a psychologist. Often we have blind spots that the therapist can help you to elicit and correct.

Also don’t be shy about letting friends, family, coworkers and neighbors know that you are interested in meeting your Soul Mate. But make sure they understand who you are looking for. Remember you want to spend the rest of your life with this person, so just anyone won’t do.

Opposites Attract But It Is Similarities That Make Love Last
Opposites attract they say, but a lasting union is more likely with someone similar to your self. If you are single and searching for your Soul Mate, read on and learn some tips for finding the ideal romantic partner for yourself.

We are often attracted to our opposite, especially when we are young or when we are unsure of ourselves. The reason is that at some unconscious level we are trying to find in another person the skills we lack. It is as if we love that person, they will somehow fill in the missing gaps in our personalities or our maturity. The problem is that you cannot grow by osmosis. You can’t just absorb what the other person has taken several years to develop or what they may have been blessed with by genetics. So relationships between opposites generally fizzle out shortly, or at the worst linger for decades providing a boring, or even hostile relationship for the couple. Think about it, if you are opposites, what can you talk about?

It is actually much more work to look for a sweetheart that is a lot like yourself. This requires that you use introspection, that you go on a journey of self-exploration. Knowing yourself first makes it much easier for you to find a partner who shares your ideals and interests. To begin this process of self-exploration take out a sheet of paper and one side list your strengths and on the other list your weaknesses. Cover everything from physical to mental to spiritual.

Once you know yourself a little better, the next step is be honest and clean up those traits that are unfinished or undesirable. If you want a match that is lasting, you will want a partner who has worked on his or her own personal development and who has cleaned up her or his bad habits too. If you think about it, this person will want the same of you. If you have been a bit irresponsible about finances, get some advice and restructure your savings and investment program. If you have not attended to your health, clean out the fridge and buy healthier foods and start an exercise program you can live with. If your spiritual life is all in your head, do the arduous work of finding a group of like-minded seekers and join them. Our spiritual life grows best in the company of others.

If you take the time to get to know yourself, your strengths and weaknesses, and if you take the time to improve yourself and to become the person you have always wanted to be, you will be more attractive to this same kind of person. If you love art and music and historical novels, and you are healthy, vibrant and spiritually alive, you will find this same type of person attracted to you. If you love sports both as a participant and a spectator, and you love to dance, and you are developing a strong sense of responsibility to your community, wouldn’t you want the same of your partner and best friend? If you love quiet evenings, long walks in the woods, and deep conversation on the meaning of life, you will be awfully lonely if you attract your opposite. So take the time up front to get to know and develop yourself before embarking on finding a sweetheart.

Remember that personal growth is a lifelong process and to keep love alive, two people need to be engaged in this process forever. If you get stuck along the way, use your common sense and seek out the counsel of a psychologist who specializes in relationship development and personal growth.

Dr. Kathy Marshack can help you. She is accepting new clients and has two office locations for your convenience. If you live in the Portland, Oregon or Vancouver, Washington area (or can drive to these locations) please call to set up your first appointment. See Therapy FAQs for more information. Please give us a call at (360) 256-0448 or (503) 222-6678 or email us at