According to a 1997 Gallup Poll report, child abuse is ten times worse than government reports indicate. Furthermore, 70 to 80 percent of child abuse is related to alcohol abuse.

Spouse abuse and child abuse indicate an obvious breakdown in the multiple developing progressions of an individual's life, and are evidence of serious mental and spiritual problems. Chronic problems that have persisted for years are responsible for this total disregard of human values and dignity.

Ray phoned me because he was looking for a psychologist for his wife, Connie. He felt that she was extremely depressed, even suicidal. She would not seek help for herself but agreed to see me if Ray made the appointment. Over the next few weeks, Ray and Connie shared with me a most unique story of two lives nearly destroyed by child abuse, alcoholism, cocaine addiction, and sexual abuse.
Ray's childhood home life was filled with alcoholism and child abuse, but his parents never divorced. Connie never knew her mother, who died when she was very young. Her father remarried several times, and each time Connie and her sister acquired new stepsiblings. During one of these marriages, Connie and her sister were repeatedly sexually assaulted by older stepbrothers.

Ray and Connie wanted to be the Romeo and Juliet who got away. Ray and Connie had discovered a business that they thought could make them rich. The couple felt they were on top of the world. They made very good money.

But then Connie started to demonstrate serious emotional problems. She was irritable and depressed. She stopped caring about her appearance and left the children unwashed and unkempt. And she rarely left the house, which was never clean. It was at this point that Ray brought his wife to see me. Just twenty-nine, Connie was underweight and haggard-looking when she revealed to me what she had been living with. Ray was a cocaine addict, spending about $1,000 a week on his drug. In order to keep from being beaten by him, Connie agreed to use cocaine too. With increased cocaine use, the couple crossed other moral boundaries.

Connie shared these horrors as if in a daze. She was deeply depressed, but also not really aware of how extreme things had become in her life. Coming from a childhood of abuse, her boundaries were diffuse. Physical abuse and sexual abuse had always been the norm in her life. Even as an adult, she did not know how to protect herself.

Ray, too, was a victim. With no guidance from his parents, he had grown up to be a young man with no values, no ethics. He was ignorant of the devastating effects of drug abuse on the mind, body, and spirit. He was afraid, however. He was afraid of losing his wife, and he was afraid of going to prison. It took a lot of courage to seek my help, considering the potential threat to Ray's freedom.

This sad story reveals that stress, ignorance, and drugs definitely do not mix. Ongoing, untreated stress can create health problems, marital problems, drug abuse problems, and ethical problems. As a result of these problems, in combination with the weaknesses of character that evolved years earlier from neglectful and abusive upbringings, the crossing of boundaries into domestic violence is more common than you might think.

If you recognize yourself or your partner taking even a small step in this direction, you should seek the help of a psychotherapist immediately. Ask your doctor for a referral or look for a therapist who specializes in domestic violence. Contact my office if you live in Portland, Oregon or Vancouver, Washington.

Borderline personality disorder (BPD) will impact how you feel about yourself, how you relate to others and how you behave. When you have borderline personality disorder, you often have an unstable self-image which in turn leads to instability in your life with frequent changes in jobs, relationships and even values.

People with borderline personality disorder often feel misunderstood and alone. You may be aware that your behavior is destructive, but feel powerless to change it. For people with BPD relationships are tough and often characterized as love-hate relationships. You may idealize someone one moment and then shift to hate over perceived slights or misunderstandings. It’s hard for you to accept the so called gray areas in life — for you things seem to be either black or white.

Borderline personality disorder symptoms may include:

· Impulsive and risky behavior, such as reckless driving, unsafe sex, gambling or recreational drug use

· Intense episodes of anxiety or depression

· Inappropriate anger

· Difficulty controlling emotions or impulses

· Suicidal behavior or self-injury

· Fear of being alone

Borderline personality disorder should be diagnosed by a trained mental health professional, such as a psychologist or psychiatrist. Psychotherapy is the primary treatment for borderline personality disorder. The most effective psychotherapeutic approach to date is Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT), designed by Marsha Linehan, Ph.D. to specifically to treat borderline personality disorder. DBT uses a skills-based approach to teach clients how to take control of their lives, their emotions, and themselves through self-knowledge, emotion regulation, and cognitive restructuring.

If you notice symptoms discussed in this article about yourself talk to a mental health provider. The right treatment really can help you live a more stable, enjoyable and rewarding life. If you notice these things in a family member or friend, talk to them about getting help. But remember you can't force them to seek treatment. If the relationship with this person is causing you stress, to avoid the trap of codependency you would most likely benefit from therapy or a support group yourself. Look for a therapist who specializes in DBT or contact my office in Portland, Oregon or Vancouver, Washington.

When I first met them, Barb and Kevin they were on the brink of divorce. As an entrepreneurial couple (Barb a solo entrepreneur and Kevin a well-paid sales executive), they had the ability to create considerable wealth, but they were always at the point of financial ruin.

Instead of planning for wealth, instead of examining their beliefs about money, instead of working out a life plan together, Barb and Kevin just spent their money. They bought a huge house in the country for their four children, which required long commutes for everyone. They bought expensive cars. They bought a horse for their oldest daughter and paid for private riding lessons. They bought minibikes for their sons. And they recently sold one boat only to buy themselves a bigger one.

When Barb and Kevin sought my help, divorce was a foregone conclusion. Their debts were so large that they could not afford to cut back at work. In fact, they had to work longer hours to make ends meet. Therefore, they had no time for each other and to nurture the marital relationship. They also had no time for their children, who were now reacting to the lack of parental attention and supervision. The older children started turning in failing grades at school, and one son was regularly being suspended for fighting. The younger children were quiet and frightened; never knowing if their parents were going to fight, they hid in their rooms a lot.

Barb and Kevin thought that making money meant spending it. As they fulfilled one desire, another arose to take its place. As they made more money to pay or their increasing desires, they needed more. They lost track of why they had married in the first place. They lost track of what was exciting and appealing about their careers; their careers became just a way to feed their ever-increasing desires.

They tried to handle the enormous responsibility of rearing four children by buying them things, expensive things, and sending them to fancy summer camps. There is nothing inherently wrong with making money, nor with spending it. However, like everything else in life, if money matters outweigh everything else, there are likely to be unhealthy repercussions. It may seem contrary to common sense that satisfying a desire creates yet another desire, but this is a basic principle of human nature.

It is important, especially for entrepreneurial couples, to take the time to assess your values about money. In my book Entrepreneurial Couples - Making it Work at Work and at Home there are many self-assessment exercises, including one on Your Financial Plan. Self-Assessment is a good place to start in reeducating yourself about money, redefining your attitudes about wealth, and planning for the healthy management of your wealth. With clear values guiding your life plan, you are in a much better position to accomplish your goals, achieve wealth, and maintain a healthy balance between love and work. If, on the other hand, you are not aware of the values that guide you, you can fall into money traps just like Barb and Kevin.

Have you heard the term “sandwich generation”? This is the group of people struggling to meet the needs of both growing children and aging parents, often alone and working full-time. Many of these caregivers may be setting themselves up for an unhealthy future due to a combination of high stress and poor health behaviors.

A recent UCLA study found that caregivers for the aging or disabled are subjected to considerable financial and emotional strain. Most caregivers didn’t need scientific research to support their everyday reality. Unfortunately the research also uncovered higher levels of serious psychological distress compared with the general population.

So what should a caregiver do to combat chronic stress which can lead to anxiety and depression? Here are some recommendations that will help you cope with the extra strain of being a caregiver:

• Recreate. Consider relief options such as taking long weekends or vacations. You deserve some time off and can come back refreshed to care for your love one.
• Express your feelings. Feelings of anger or frustration when they not expressed leads to more stress. You may not be able to express this to the person you’re caring for but by writing in a journal, writing a poem, or composing a letter that is never mailed may accomplish your purpose.
• Keep perspective and look for the positive. Reversing negative ideas and learning to focus on positive outcomes sounds simple but it helps reduce tension.
• Have a sense of humor. Keeping a sense of humor during difficult situations is a must. Laughing releases the tension of pent-up feelings and helps you keep perspective.
• Exercise. Exercise is an effective distraction from stressful events and keeps your body and immune system stronger.
• Strengthen or establish a support network. Studies of people who remain happy and healthy despite many life stresses show that most have very good networks of social support. Consider joining a support group for caregivers.
• Professional help. A mental health professional should be consulted for unmanageable acute stress or for severe anxiety or depression. Often short-term therapy, such as Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, can resolve stress-related emotional problems.
• Relaxation techniques. Learn methods for invoking the relaxation response such as deep breathing, meditation or massage.

More than 10 million people in the US have bipolar disorder. It is equally common in men and women and the onset of the condition typically occurs in the early 20s. However, the first symptoms can also appear in early childhood or during the teen years.

An early diagnosis is critical because children with this disorder are more likely to have other problems including alcohol and drug abuse, trouble in school, running away from home, fighting, and even suicide. Treating the disorder as early as possible can help your child cope with their symptoms and avoid these problems.

During a time of mania, teenagers may throw violent temper tantrums, seem extremely happy, not sleep much and talk very fast. During a time of depression, teens may say they feel empty, sad, bored, complain of headaches or stomachaches, spend time alone and feel easily rejected. If you or your spouse has bipolar disorder you should especially be aware of symptoms in your children. Studies at Stanford University studied the genetic connection of bipolar disorder and found that children with one biological parent with bipolar disorder have an increased likelihood of getting bipolar disorder.

The trouble is bipolar disorder can be hard to diagnose in children and teens. The symptoms can look a lot like the symptoms of other problems like ADHD, substance abuse and even the highs and lows characteristic of adolescence. Which is why if you suspect your child or teen may have bipolar disorder, you should speak with your doctor right away about getting an accurate diagnosis.

If your child is diagnosed with bipolar disorder in addition to medication, you should find a trained therapist who works with children and can help your child accept the diagnosis, get educated about bipolar moods, identify warning signs, and learn strategies to manage stress. And since bipolar disorder extends beyond the patient and affects the entire family, families can definitely benefit from working with a therapist to learn how to recognize an impending manic or depressive episode and how to best manage them.

If you would like help in receiving an accurate diagnosis and/or treatment for your bipolar teenager and live in Portland, Oregon or Vancouver, Washington contact my office for an appointment.

There is an inseparable connection between the mind and the body. There are complicated interactions that take place between the mind, body, and the outside world. Studies have shown that between 60% and 90% of all physician visits are for stress-related complaints. The mind/body approach to health has helped millions of men and women reduce the stress that can cause or exacerbate conditions such as: chronic pain, headaches, and hypertension.

Exactly how personal beliefs, psychological and social factors, and stress affect the health of your body is not fully understood. It is known, however, that the mind and body are in a state of constant communication. What the mind thinks, perceives, and experiences is sent from the brain to the rest of the body. And vice versa: our bodies are sending messages to the brain.

I’ve followed the research of Dr. Herbert Benson with interest for years. He’s a cardiologist who has worked in establishing the mind/body connection. His research has uncovered what is called the relaxation response which can be elicited by a variety of meditative techniques, such as diaphragmatic breathing, repetitive prayer, tai chi, yoga, progressive muscle relaxation, jogging, and even knitting. You can learn more about eliciting the relaxation response at the Benson-Henry Institute for Mind Body Medicine’s website.

I urge you to learn how to use your own healing power to maintain or regain health and reduce stress and other negative behaviors and thoughts. If you need help in developing a healthier connection between mind and body find a therapist who works in this area or contact my office in Portland, Oregon or Vancouver, Washington.

Conflict is a given in any relationship, but especially in the marriage arrangement. Two different people merging their lives into one. Everyone knows that in order for a marriage to stay strong, communication is vital. One area that communication is especially necessary is when there is a conflict. The problem is that this is the time when communication shuts down.

One of the major reasons couples have problems is their failure to confront issues head-on. They may fight openly or quietly seethe, but they have a terrible time confronting the real conflict respectfully and honestly. Maybe this happens because of the common misconception that conflict and confrontation are bad. It’s as if confrontation and conflict are impolite. However, conflict and confrontation are natural and healthy components of any relationship.

You are neither bad nor wrong for causing a conflict or identifying one. Conflict is an opportunity to open up communication on a difficult subject. Conflicts are inevitable and actually a sign of growth. Therefore, avoiding conflict is not the goal. Rather you want to develop the tools to "lean into" conflicts and resolve them early on, so that you can reorganize your lives to include the new learning.

If you are and your partner need help to learn and develop the right type of communication skills, seek out the assistance of a marriage counselor or therapist. Isn't your relationship worth fighting for?

For more information, visit Marriage Counseling - Conflict and Communication.

Sports are a fun way to get exercise, play with friends, or just let off some steam. Many parents encourage their children to participate in competitive sports such as soccer or football. While you may feel that these sports are purely fun and beneficial for the kids, I would like to extend a word of caution.

The New York Times wrote an article entitled "N.F.L. Faces Retired Players in a High Stakes Legal Battle" that discusses the legal suits filed against the NFL. Over a dozen suits were filed by retired football players and the wives. About 120 players are claiming that the NFL knew the neurological effects that repeated blows to the head can cause and held back that information from the players or they claim if the NFL didn't know, they should have looked into it. Memory loss, dementia, disorientation, anger problems, and depression are all medical conditions that can be related to multiple concussions.

This blog is not to tell parents that their children should not play sports, but it is a word of caution to protect their brain – a valuable organ! Whether your child plays competitive sports or plays just for fun, be alert to the dangers that concussions can cause. Taking this lightly can have serious, lifelong consequences. If you or someone you love is experiencing mental side effects after a concussion, speak to your doctor immediately.

Raising children is the most rewarding experience. Along with that reward comes hard work. At times you may wish you could encapsulate your child in a bubble to protect them from all the negativity in the world, but unfortunately that is impossible. The best way to protect them is by working hard to instill in them the good qualities – such as honesty, loyalty, self-worth, and a positive outlook.

The best way for parents to teach their children these qualities is start when they are young. Childhood is the best time for learning since comprehension is at its peak. Even when you think they do not understand or are not listening, they are little sponges that are constantly absorbing. Because of this fact, your example will have a powerful effect on who your children will become.

You are your child's first role model. So, recognize that you are on a stage and someone is watching you. Granted, you will not do everything perfectly and you will make mistakes. Those situations can actually become excellent teaching opportunities. Do you put the blame on someone else for you mistake? Are you quick to make amends or admit your shortcoming? Do you beat yourself up or say next time will be better?

If you start to identify negative behavior qualities in your child, be quick to redirect it. Help them to see the good traits that they have and with you on their side to help them work through the things that are more difficult for them. Another way to instill good qualities in your children is through experience. Introduce your child to art, travel, reading, and music. Help them to find what they are passionate about.

And don't forget the most important thing...Love. Your child needs a lot of love, affection, and your quality time. Look for opportunities throughout your day to do this.

Sometimes families need help. Do not be ashamed if it is necessary to find a family therapist in your local area. For more information on parenting, visit Am I a Good Parent.