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Kathy Marshack News

The Entrepreneurial Lifestyle – Are You Making the Most of It or Just Making Do?

Wednesday, March 30, 2016


The entrepreneurial lifestyle has definite pros and cons, yet you don’t have to “make do” with your current situation – learn how to make the most of life.From my experience counseling and researching entrepreneurial couples, I’ve learned a great deal about how couples negotiate the stressful daily transitions from home to work and back again. By and large they’re doing a pretty good job.

What are the cons of the entrepreneurial lifestyle? These couples are stressed, to be sure; they are facing fatigue; they have marital problems; they feel guilty about the little quality time spent with their children; they make personal compromises in order to get ahead in their careers; and they make career compromises in order to keep the family stable.

What are the pros of the entrepreneurial lifestyle? But entrepreneurial couples also feel as though they are making a real contribution to the community. They are creating a future for their children; they can bring intellectually stimulating conversation to the dinner table; they can afford dream vacations; they can be a force politically.

Regardless of their personal pros and cons most entrepreneurial couples say they would not live any other way.


The problem is that entrepreneurial couples are not the type of people who like doing a "pretty good job." They’re not content with just "making do." They’re the kind of people who like to excel, or they would not both be pursuing meaningful, demanding careers. And they’re the kind of people who like "having it all."

It appears, however, that many entrepreneurial couples are just making do. Because many of these couples have no models to guide them in planning and implementing the entrepreneurial couple life, they tend to follow the outdated models of their parents or grandparents.

For example, without thinking, some entrepreneurial couples continue to divide home responsibilities along traditional gender lines. Women do the laundry, the cooking, and the cleaning. Men do the yard work, home repairs, and auto maintenance. For entrepreneurial couples, this is especially a problem when they also divide work responsibilities along traditional gender lines, not taking into consideration the training and talents of each partner. For example, some attorney wives are also the office manager for their husband-and-wife law firm.

While most entrepreneurial couples just make do, the purpose of my book, Entrepreneurial Couples: Making It Work at Work and at Home, is to teach you how to make the most of your entrepreneurial lifestyle. This is not just another pop psychology book with a cookie-cutter approach. Instead, it digs into your beliefs and values where deep, meaningful change really happens.

Have you ever read a book and wished you could ask the author a question?
The good news is you can ask me. Just book a private Q & A session with me via the phone or through an online video program. This is an opportunity for us to discuss follow-up questions after you’ve read my book for Entrepreneurial Couples or perused my website. If you know you want to make the most of your life as an entrepreneurial couple instead of just making do I look forward to talking with you!

Get further details here.

Improve Your EQ, not Your IQ, for More Successful Relationships

Monday, March 28, 2016


Improve Your EQ, not Your IQ, for More Successful Relationships"She has a sixth sense and always knows what to do and say." "He can always close a deal." "They always make the right decisions." Do you envy people who have those gifts? How do they do it? Research demonstrates that not all success in life is determined by IQ, but may rest more on how perceptive one is with regard to emotional intelligence (EQ or EI).

Emotional intelligence has to do with 1) how you recognize, understand and manage your own emotions and 2) how you recognize, understand and influence the emotions of others, especially under high-pressure situations.

How do we develop this side of ourselves and how do we integrate this information with your thinking process? It appears to be a matter of mastering the following three steps:

#1 Put a name to your feelings. Feelings are things like joy, irritation, hunger, fatigue, boredom, confusion, pain, anticipation, pride, embarrassment, tension, and so on. The list is endless and I often advise my clients to get a thesaurus or dictionary and copy down as many "feeling" words as they can find. It is important to refine your repertoire of feelings and feeling words so that you can expand your consciousness about your EQ.

It’s also important to remember that you always feel your feelings first. Because of how you are "wired" thoughts or interpretations come after feelings. So it is useful to notice those feelings consciously before your conscious mind decides to ignore them or misinterpret them.

#2 Interpret those feelings that you have just noticed. The key element here is to realize that feelings are basically neutral. That is, they are neither good nor bad; they are just feedback. For example, anger may feel unpleasant to you and therefore, something to suppress. However, the feeling of anger is neither good nor bad; it is just feedback about something that is important for you to know. Try to view all of your feelings as feedback about the way you sense your environment. One person may be triggered to feel angry about something, while another may be triggered to laugh.

#3 Act on the information you have interpreted from your feelings. If you feel hungry or fatigue, it’s easy to make a decision to eat or sleep. But decision-making is more complex when the feelings are part of a financial plan for your business or a problematic relationship. This is where EQ really helps. Individuals who have trusted their EQ throughout childhood and have refined and developed those skills into adult life are in a much better position to make successful decisions.

You’ll improve any situation, be it familial or business, if you improve your EQ. When you’re able to feel your feelings, interpret them correctly, and then act upon that information, you have an advantage over those who rely solely on intellect to make decisions. If this is a subject you’d like to explore in more detail, take advantage of my Remote Education services. This topic comes under the umbrella of Entrepreneurial Couples.

Read more on my website: Emotional Intelligence.

Parents – Are You Teaching Your Children All They Need to Know About Sex?

Monday, March 21, 2016


Young people need to have good parental training and examples in order to have a healthy view of sex, so they can navigate through life successfully.As a psychologist and family business coach, I’ve seen it too often. Even with abundant litigation for sexual harassment in the workplace, infidelity and harassment are still ongoing problems because the underlying cause isn’t being addressed.

Like eating and drinking, the sex drive is a normal and necessary part of human life. Unfortunately, much of what people learn about appropriate sexual behavior is gathered from unreliable sources such as television, movies or pornography, or worse, through exploitation by unethical adults.

As with most human skills, sex can be used in a positive healthy way or it can be used to abuse and manipulate. Sex can lead to pleasure and a love bond within a relationship. Or sex can lead to pain, suffering, and corruption.

Other than a perfunctory sex-education class in public school, where the emphasis is on health and procreation, a young adult needs to learn about sexual techniques, or the relationship between sex and love, or the subtleties of sex in the workplace. But where are they going to learn about sexual ethics if the parents aren’t teaching them?

I have met few parents who openly discuss sexuality with their kids. Most parents tell me they’re more than willing to answer any questions their kids ask about sex, as if any kid in their right mind will tell their parents they’re thinking about sex!

I wrote an article recently for PsychCentral that shows how this lack of education and parental example plays out by examining the case of the Smith Family Firm. (Fictional names to protect the identities.) You’ll see how sexual improprieties affect the family, employees, vendors, business associates, and customers. (Click here to read the entire article.)

So, why do people risk sexual infidelity?

Besides a lack of education, sexual misbehavior is essentially a signal of a deeper problem. It’s a message about a much needed change in a person’s life and relationships. If you’re struggling with this yourself or you don’t know how to talk with your children, please don’t hesitate to seek professional, confidential help from a psychologist. As embarrassing as it is to bring these things out, it’s more embarrassing to pass the problem along to the next generation. If you live near Portland, OR/Vancouver, WA please contact my office and schedule an appointment.

Read more on my website: Love, Sex and Intimacy.

How Do You Deal with Conflict - Capitulate, Compromise or Detach?

Wednesday, March 16, 2016


When dealing with conflict do you compromise, capitulate or detachIt’s inevitable in any relationship that there will be conflict. No two people are going to always see eye-to-eye on everything. That’s why communication is called the lifeblood of a relationship. The sooner you talk out the problem, the better.

But what if you’re married to someone with Asperger’s Syndrome? It’s not their fault that they have trouble communicating their thoughts and feelings and can’t understand yours. They try their best within the framework that we built with them.

But to build a framework that supports you and your Aspie partner takes work and a special understanding of your own needs and that of your partner. At times, the lack of empathy demonstrated by Aspie loved ones may lead you to lose sight of your own reality so that you collapse into agonizing despair. This type of mental and emotional confusion needs powerful therapy to break through the faulty reasoning that is a result of using NT logic to make sense of the Asperger world.

Oftentimes, it just feels easier to capitulate, compromise or detach. Yet, none of these options sound good do they? I mean when you just want to be heard and understood and maybe even get your way once in awhile. . . why does it have to be soooo hard? But Asperger/NT relationships are very hard. That’s why we need to support one another and share our success and challenges.

If you’re a member of the Asperger Syndrome: Partners & Family of Adults with ASD Meetup, please join our next Free TELECONFERENCE: Capitulate, Compromise or Detach Thursday, March 31, 2016 at 2:00 PM. We’ll explore the options to navigating a conversation with our Aspies. Yes, we still have to use a lot of capitulating, compromising and detaching to get anything accomplished, but there might be a few other tricks to move the conversation along toward a mutually satisfying agreement. Come prepared with questions and solutions. I don't have all of the answers either. I do know, however, that when the mood is right, and I am very centered, it does go better.

Please note: This call is for NT members only. Do not invite your Aspies. Please find a private place to listen away from others, so everyone's privacy is respected.

If you live near Portland, OR/Vancouver, WA and would like some in-person help with your NT/AS relationship issues, please contact my office and schedule an appointment so we can find the strategies that help you and your family thrive.

Read more on my website: Asperger and Marriage.

Brain Concussion Issue Is Causing Ivy League to Rethink their Football Practices

Monday, March 14, 2016


Brain Concussion Issue Is Causing Ivy League to Rethink their Football PracticesWere you pleased to read in a recent New York Times article that the eight Ivy League (Brown, Columbia, Cornell, Dartmouth, Harvard, Pennsylvania, Princeton and Yale) football coaches unanimously approved eliminating the full-contact hitting during practices for the regular season? I certainly was, since I’ve been calling attention to the problem of brain concussions for years. They had already limited the amount of full contact during spring and preseason practices.

The brain concussion issue is developing remarkable traction when college football coaches start reducing full body contact at practice. Their goal is to cut down on practice injuries and concussions so the players are healthy to play their best during the games. To keep their players in shape, they have hit pads, tackling dummies and a “mobile virtual player”. It hasn’t hurt their chances for winning either.

Coach Buddy Teevens of Dartmouth says that his players have become better tacklers, since they’re focusing on tackling without head collisions. He says it’s made them a better team, as winning the championship attests.

The Ivy League is also reconsidering the rules for men’s and women’s hockey, lacrosse, soccer, rugby, and wrestling to see if they can reduce concussions in those sports too. Other coaches across the country are following suit to varying degrees.

Traumatic Brain Injuries (TBI), whether from sports injuries, accidents, or military conflict, are changing the personalities of our loved ones. They have difficulty feeling, processing, and conveying their emotions, which as you can imagine, leads to relationship breakdowns.

One area especially affected is the ability to empathize. Professor Robert Wood, a head injury specialist, and Claire Williams at University of Swansea in Wales UK are studying TBI as it related to empathy deficits. They found that TBI patients have impaired ability to recognize emotions in pictures and video. Their further studies showed that persons with TBI experience alexithymia – having difficulty recognizing and/or describing their own emotions. They found that 60% of their TBI subjects suffered from this in comparison to 11% of the control population of their study.

Not only should the physical injury of TBI be treated, the emotional damage must be addressed as well. It helps to use medicines, whole foods, vitamins and supplements to help heal the brain. And various types of psychotherapy are beneficial for handling the emotional and relationship issues. If you live near Portland, OR/Vancouver, WA and need help, please contact my office and schedule an appointment.

Is it Persuasion or Manipulation? How to Tell the Difference

Wednesday, March 09, 2016


Is it Persuasion or s it Manipulation – How to Tell the DifferenceWhen we watch a movie or a TV show we want to be manipulated. We want the script to make us feel like we’re involved, feeling the joy, sadness or thrill. It’s a great escape. Maybe you secretly admire the con artist. Perhaps you harbor just a little desire to get something for nothing just as the con does? Don't you wish you could be so clever?

The truth is that the con knows that you’re not so different from him or her. The only real difference is that you’ve created an illusion that you’re different, that you would never stoop to manipulation, and that you would never willfully take advantage of another person. Because you’re not so different, but are in denial about it, the con swoops in and relieves you of your money, your pride or your sense of safety.

None of us like to be manipulated to do things that aren’t in harmony with our values, desires or plans. Yet, it’s easy to become guilty of snowing the ones you love to get our own way. However, it creates incredible suffering not just in the short run but potentially for generations.

As difficult as it is to admit that we can be conned, it is even more difficult to admit that we can do the conning. However, the mark and the con are two sides of the same coin.

To investigate your manipulative qualities, ask yourself a few questions…

1. Are you in sales?
2. Does your business require that you use persuasion, diplomacy, and charm?
3. Have you ever lied?
4. Have you ever taken advantage of another's ignorance or naiveté?
5. Have you kept something you didn't pay for?
6. Have you ever cried in order to get your way?
7. Have you ever intimidated your opponent into capitulating?
8. Have you ever hurt someone else?
9. When you have hurt someone else, did you say, "I didn't mean to do it."
10. Have you kept a secret to avoid conflict?
11. Have you ever "dropped names"?
12. Have you ever changed the subject when the topic was too close for comfort?
13. Just once, was money your only concern?

The tools of persuasion, diplomacy and charm can be used ethically or unethically. They are like a hammer and screwdriver. The hammer and screwdriver can be used to build a house or to break into someone's home. The choice is up to the individual using the tools. Likewise, persuasion, diplomacy and charm can be used to swindle or to negotiate a mutually rewarding settlement.

Being conscious of your own manipulations allows you to be ethical. With consciousness comes choice. Choosing to be ethical in your communications and dealings with others requires that you take the time to understand others and to be understood fully. There is no room for conning. The risk of destroying trust is too great.

This topic of manipulation is a hot issues for family businesses. If you're in a family business and are concerned about the repercussions of manipulation schedule a Remote Education session with me to dig deeper.

Does Your Aspie Also Suffer from a Personality Disorder?

Monday, March 07, 2016


Those with Asperger’s Syndrom may also be suffering from Schizotypal Personality Disorder or other personality disorders that require additional treatment. A personality disorder occurs when a person has rigid, unhealthy patterns of thought and behavior. They have trouble relating in social situations. Whereas, those with Asperger’s want to have friendships, those with some personality disorders don’t care. They’re more comfortable with their loner status.

What are some of the personality disorders that may be misdiagnosed as Asperger’s or may be present along with Asperger’s?


Previously we’ve discussed how someone with Asperger’s Syndrome may also have ADHD and/or Narcissism. Another personality disorder that many are not aware of is Schizotypal Personality Disorder. (This is not the same as Schizoid Personality Disorder or Schizophrenia, although it can be mistaken for schizophrenia at times).

Schizotypals look a lot like they have ASD in that they have extreme levels of anxiety, often learn to mimic appropriate social behavior, have a number of low grade health issues, and are extremely sensitive to criticism. They also tend to be loners because they misread people and develop suspiciousness because they can't properly read the motivations of others.

Here are 10 symptoms of Schizotypal Personality Disorder as listed by the Mayo Clinic:

  1. "Being a loner and lacking close friends outside of the immediate family
  2. Incorrect interpretation of events, feeling that they have personal meaning
  3. Peculiar, eccentric or unusual thinking, beliefs or behavior
  4. Dressing in peculiar ways
  5. Belief in special powers, such as telepathy
  6. Perceptual alterations, in some cases bodily illusions, including phantom pains or other distortions in the sense of touch
  7. Persistent and excessive social anxiety
  8. Peculiar style of speech, such as loose or vague patterns of speaking or rambling oddly and endlessly during conversations
  9. Suspicious or paranoid ideas, hypersensitivity, and constant doubts about the loyalty and fidelity of others
  10. Flat emotions, or limited or inappropriate emotional responses"

Because Personality Disorders cause a person to lack empathy, similarly to our Aspies, we just think the thoughtlessness or negativity is an Aspie trait. While it’s difficult enough to find appropriate treatment for Aspies, it's nearly impossible to treat Personality Disorders because they think they’re normal and are not motivated to make changes.


If you suspect that your Aspie also suffers from a Personality Disorder, then be sure to sign up for our next Video Conference entitled: Is it just Asperger's or is it something else too? on Thursday, March 10, 2016 at 8:00 AM or Thursday, Mar 24, 2016 at 4:00 PM We’ll be specifically discussing Schizotypal Personality Disorder.

Is A Manipulative Personality Ruining Your Family Life?

Wednesday, March 02, 2016


Find out if a manipulative personality is ruining your family life by discovering overt and subtle ways that you may be conned or ways you are conning others.No one likes to feel manipulated or conned into doing something that they don’t want to do, whether it’s because of ethical reasons or personal preference. It leaves you feeling violated – understandably so. The word con is actually an abbreviation for confidence. Therefore the con game is really the confidence game. The success of the game is to create confidence within the victim for the manipulator.

By having confidence in the con artist, we’re handing over our trust, or temporarily suspending our disbelief. No matter how outrageous the con's behavior, once that person has your trust and confidence, the con artist can have their way with you.

Some of you may already know some of the signals of a scam and pride yourself on escaping. Some of the less well-known signals are more intuitive, however.

What are some subtle signals that you’re being manipulated?

  • Feeling ashamed without there being a good reason.
  • Feeling overly impressed or awed by a peer.
  • Feeling special or flattered by attention from someone you hardly know.
  • Finding out there’s no pay off for you.
  • Discovering you’re being used because you’re doing more work than the other person in the relationship.
  • Always hearing “good” excuses for why the other person never seems to come through for you.

Less recognizable are the signals that YOU are doing the manipulation. If it’s been your life pattern for a long time, you might not even be aware of it. Here are a few indicators:

1. How often do you say: "I didn't mean to…" Can this really be manipulation? Well, ask yourself how you feel when the tables are turned. Don’t you feel mad, confused, hurt, or trapped? The person who uses the "I didn't mean it" con game is not taking full responsibility for their actions. It's as if no harm was done if the person didn't mean it. So the next time those words start forming on your lips, stop and make a straightforward apology for your actions and offer to clean up the problem, whether you committed the deed accidentally or intentionally.

2. Do you bully others into submission or charm them into acquiescing, when deep down inside they don’t agree with you? Really, what kind of agreement do you have? How much support are you going to get in the long run? Have you increased your family's trust or are they just afraid of you?

3. Do you make frequent and generous promises which you don’t fulfill? Perhaps you keep lunch dates waiting for hours, dismissing it with the excuse that you’re such a busy person. You expect people to always make allowances for your “little foibles”.

If you truly want to prosper as a family, then be committed to cleaning up these covert confidence games that you’re playing with the ones you love. It can help to enlist the assistance of a dispassionate professional. If you live near Portland, OR/Vancouver, WA please contact my office and schedule an appointment, so we can work on making your family truly happy and secure.



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