Category: Blog Posts

Research is being done on the causal link between insomnia and depression. And the results are very promising. They are finding that treating insomnia will also alleviate the suffering of depression. That is good news!

I was happy to read The New York Times’ report about recent studies that are confirming this. A team at Ryerson University in Toronto found that Cognitive Behavioral Therapy for insomnia resolved the insomnia for 87 percent of the patients within four treatment sessions.

The bonus to this treatment of insomnia is that these patients also had their depression symptoms disappear, almost twice the rate of those whose insomnia was not cured.

Another study from Stanford University gives us similar hope. The patients all suffered from insomnia plus depression, and they were all taking an antidepressant pill. Sixty percent of those given seven sessions of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy for insomnia in addition to the pill recovered fully from their depression, compared with only 33 percent in a control group that got the standard advice for treating sleeplessness.

Cognitive Behavioral Therapy grew out of a need for solving problems that more traditional therapies couldn’t. Depression, for example, can take months of therapy, so many people resort to anti-depressant medication for more immediate relief. Now that we see the link between insomnia and depression we can use Cognitive Behavioral Therapy to teach people to establish and stick to a regular wake-up time, avoid daytime napping, spend less time in bed, and reserve bed only for sleeping – not watching TV, snacking or reading.

As the studies above reveal, this treatment may not take very many sessions, but the results are spectacular. NET practitioners like myself have known for some time that the mind/body must be treated in a holistic manner. If you think insomnia is playing a role in your depression and you want to get to the root of your health problems, perhaps it’s time to look into Cognitive Behavior Therapy. If you are looking for a holistic approach to your mental health issues, contact my office in Portland, Oregon or Vancouver, Washington, and set up an appointment.

Do you have questions about how therapy works? See my FAQ page for the answers.

When children are young, they don’t understand the concept of what money is and how it works. Offer a little one the choice between a dull dime and a bright shiny nickel, and they’ll pick the nickel because it’s pretty and bigger.

When a child doesn’t learn the real value of money, as an adult they will struggle with money problems, which may escalate into relationship problems. Either they’ll undervalue it and squander it, thinking they can just ask for more. Or they’ll go to the other extreme of attaching too much importance to it sacrificing their own health or relationships for it.

A healthy view of money sees money as a means of exchanging what you have for what you want or need. To get money, you expend resources, such as time, accumulated knowledge and energy, to earn it. How can you instill good financial habits in children? What money values do you want your children to live by? An article written by a financial advisor, Wayne Von Borstel, made me think about this topic today. He had some very good advice.

First and foremost parents teach by example. Your children will copy your attitude toward money and the way you handle it. This is especially true if you run a family-owned business. 

You can discuss with your partner these questions to determine what model you’re giving to your children:

Do I argue over money with my spouse? Do we have a budget? Do we spend beyond our means, wracking up huge credit card debt? Do we make monthly deposits to a savings account? Do we make charitable donations? Do we keep funds especially earmarked for emergencies that can’t be dipped into for any reason? Do we save money for a vacation as a family? Have we set up a college fund for our children? Do we require our children to contribute toward any of these?

Helping your children see the real value of money also involves actively participating in making and spending money. When they earn the money they spend, they’ll make the connection that the amount available is limited by the time and effort put into earning it. This contributes toward creating a good work ethic. And as you guide them in how to spend money wisely, perhaps entrusting them with a specific amount for buying school clothes, or saving a portion in a savings account or college fund, they learn good financial habits.

What do you do when you want to train your children in money management, but your spouse has different ideas? Are you searching for conflict resolution techniques that really solve the issues over money in your family? If so, then contact my Portland, OR/Vancouver, WA office and set up an appointment.

If you’re an entrepreneuerial couple I address parenting and financial disagreements in my book, Entrepreneurial Couples: Making It Work at Work and at Home. You can also read Wayne Von Borstel’s entire article, 8 Ways to Maximize a Child’s Financial Potential, here.

I feel strongly that education is the key to creating strong and lasting relationships with our Asperger family members, so I have made it my mission to help neuro-typical (NT) partners and family members discover a deeper understanding of how to make relationships with Aspies, not only survive, but more importantly to thrive. Until now my reach has been somewhat limited by geographic location. Not any more – take a look at three new opportunities to learn about Asperger Relationships no matter where you live.

The date and time for our first international Meetup, “Is It Codependency if You’re just Trying to Survive?” has been scheduled for Friday, February 21st at 2:30 PST.

There has been a decades long debate whether medication or behavioral therapy is the best long-term treatment for children with ADHD. So an article written by Alan Schwarz in the New York Times caught my eye. He reports that the original findings of the Multimodal Treatment Study of Children With A.D.H.D were taken to mean that medication was hands down the best option.

Now, some of the authors of this study are worried that these findings were skewed because they tested primarily for reducing the hyperactivity and lack of focus, which medication is designed to remedy quickly. How children perform in school and on a social level was not addressed in the study.

He reports that one of the study researchers, Stephen Hinshaw, a psychologist at U.C. Berkeley said, “My belief based on the science is that symptom reduction is a good thing, but adding skill-building is a better thing. If you don’t provide skills-based training, you’re doing the kid a disservice. I wish we had had a fairer test.”

Medication can treat the symptoms of hyperactivity and improve the ability to concentrate. This makes a person more receptive to learning new behaviors. But life-long improvement in interpersonal relationships must include learning, through therapy, social skills among which is empathy. Kids with ADHD are not just impulsive and distractible they also often ignore the feelings of others.

Behavioral therapy, emotional counseling and practical support are all needed to improve the child’s self-esteem and ability to cope with the frustrations of daily life. Some children release this frustration by acting contrary, starting fights or destroying property. Some turn the frustration into body ailments, like the stomachache before school. Still others hide how badly they feel.

Over time a therapist can help people with ADHD identify and build on their strengths and learn to cope with daily stresses in a constructive way. If you live near Portland, OR or Vancouver, WA, and would like assistance for your child, please contact my office and set up an appointment.

You can read more about Parenting a Child with ADD/ADHD on my website.

Are you looking forward to Valentine’s Day this year? For many, it brings to mind sweet, romantic gestures. But for someone who has a partner with Asperger Syndrome, you may actually be dreading the day knowing your feelings are going to be hurt.That’s because Aspies’ – a term coined and freely used by many with Asperger Syndrome – brains are wired in a way that skirts the ability to know, feel or demonstrate empathy and love.

Empathy is about reciprocal connecting; the ability to step into another’s shoes. The non-Aspie is wired to achieve a mutually satisfying solution. Aspies are not, and they can’t read their partner’s signals, or as I like to say, they have mind-blindness. Therein lies the rub. Aspies are unable to comprehend the meaning of the traditional gestures of love and romance. They don’t set out to hurt their love by withholding a Valentine, candy or flowers.

What are some things you can do to smooth the way to romance?

1. Non-Aspie partners – do not take your Aspie partner’s actions (or lack of actions) as a slight or personal affront, and your life will be sweeter.

Aspies simply don’t ‘get’ why a show of affection is important to their non-Aspie, or neurotypical, partner. They’re out of sync. Expressing love escapes Aspies, because empathizing is foreign to them. Not being romantic isn’t a hurtful decision they make. When the neurotypical more accurately understands the actions, or inactions, of their Aspie loved one, feelings get hurt less often.

2. Help your Aspie create his/her own rules of engagement in order to act in ways that really matter to you. This list that tells the Aspie what to do and when — never mind the “why.”

Aspies need to learn ways to engage with their neurotypical spouse. One Aspie husband explained it to me like this, “I just can’t say or do the first thing that pops into my mind. It might be all wrong. It’s like I need a ‘politeness checker’ running in the back of my mind to remind me to be a gentleman.” This marriage was strengthened when he and his wife wrote down rules about appropriate engagement in a notebook. He keeps it with him and refers to it frequently for guidance. Without that tool, he says he’d be lost.

The Asperger Romance rules might include:

• Kiss spouse goodbye each morning
• Call spouse at lunchtime each day
• Buy “For My Wife” card and flowers for Feb. 14
• Hold spouse’s hand and say, “Thank you,” when receiving a gift or card from him/her.

Aspies may not understand why something is important to their loved one, but learning to make the effort, the gesture, represents good intention and love, just a different kind. If you want to build more romance into your ASP/NT marriage so that everyone feels loved, therapy is available. Please, contact my Portland, OR/Vancouver, WA office and set up an appointment.

If you haven’t done so yet, grab your free chapter from each of my Asperger Relationship books:

“Out of Mind – Out of Sight: Parenting with a Partner with Asperger Syndrome,”

and

“Going Over the Edge? Life with a Partner or Spouse with Asperger Syndrome.”

The following phrases and bits of wisdom are based on beliefs that are deeply rooted in our cultural history. As you read through these phrases and statements, check out your feelings, your gut reactions to each. Do some seem truer than others? Do some make you feel uneasy? Which phrase or aphorism rings the truest for you? Which one delights you? And what other bits of wisdom about money can you think of?

• Money can’t buy love.
• You can’t take it with you.
• Dirty money.
• Filthy rich.
• Cold, hard cash.
• As phony as a three-dollar bill.
• A penny saved is a penny earned.
• Buy low, sell high.
• Two for the price of one.
• A fool and his money are soon parted.
• It’s as easy to marry a rich man as a poor one.
• It is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of God.
• Penny wise and pound foolish.
• Money talks.
• Love of money is the root of all evil.

Would your marriage mate agree with your answers? Since many marital fights are over money, it’s good for everyone, especially entrepreneurial couples, to reexamine what money means to you and what you want it to mean. Only by uncovering your beliefs about money and how they are affecting your most intimate relationships will you be able to challenge the beliefs that are not healthy or productive.

Has money become an overwhelming issue in your marriage? If so, please consult a trained therapist to help you resolve this situation now. Financial problems are really just the tip of the iceberg for couples, concealing deeper, hidden issues between family members. Contact my Portland, OR/Vancouver, WA office to set up an appointment.

Also, check out my book, Entrepreneurial Couples – Making it Work at Work and at Home. It’s an invaluable resource for reeducating yourself about money, redefining your attitudes about wealth, and planning for the healthy management of your wealth. I suggest reading and discussing it together as a couple so you can openly discuss this touchy topic.