When you love and care for an adult with Asperger Syndrome, you need a safe place to share your story about the frustrating and isolating life that you experience. Asperger Syndrome: Partners and Family of Adults with ASD has proved to be a valuable resource and a safe environment to share intimate and delicate scenarios that only those who live that life can understand.

On May 18, 2013, we will be meeting to discuss the topic, "How to love an abusive person." There is a reason why Dr. Simon Baron-Cohen published a book entitled, "The Science of Evil: On Empathy and the Origins of Cruelty." While he believes that Aspies have good intentions, he attributes their socially clueless behavior to lack of empathy. When on the receiving end of this lack of empathy, many neuro-typicals (non Asperger's) view these behaviors as unloving and even abusive. The question becomes, if the intention is not to cause harm, is it still abuse? Furthermore, how do you hold love in your heart for a person who consistently breaks your heart?

Please join us for an in depth look at this subject. If you will not be able to attend in person, please become a member of our online community. I look forward to hearing your stories.

My book, Life with a Partner or Spouse with Asperger Syndrome: Going Over the Edge is available for purchase. Click here to download a free sample chapter. 

 

Great news! My book - Entrepreneurial Couples Making it Work at Work and at Home is now available on as a Kindle edition on Amazon.com.

Entrepreneurial Couples Making it Work at Work and at Home examines the traps entrepreneurial couples can fall into and offers practical advice for dealing with them. For example, entrepreneurial couples with a full family life have greater potential for breakdown in communication than do other couples. They often fail to confront issues head-on, instead relying on compromise and other avoidance techniques to ward off conflict.

How does a couple balance intimacy with family life and meaningful work? You'll read how to assess strengths and weaknesses in each area of your life, improve communication with your partner, develop flexibility, and reexamine priorities, offering a new way to design and live a more balanced, integrated, and meaningful entrepreneurial life.

"This book is a must read for any couples who are in business together." W. Gibb Dyer Jr., Ph.D. Marriot School of Management, Brigham Young University

"We wish we had this information thirty years ago when we started our business." Tom and Linda Denchel, Co-Owners, Tom Denchel Ford Country

Download your Kindle edition today!

When an individual becomes addicted to drugs, alcohol, or another unwise behavior, the remaining family members are faced with a decision – what do we do? Often times a codependent relationship ensues. Why? Because kindness and codependency are often confused.

The reason it is so easy to confuse kindness and co-dependency is that they are essentially the same behavior within different contexts. To be kind means to give unconditionally, to share, to show that you care for another person. When the giving, sharing and caring is reciprocated by a healthy individual, the condition is kindness. However, when the kindness is not reciprocated, when you find yourself giving and giving and giving, it may be co-dependency.

How can you stop this behavior? If you love someone who is in trouble, why can't you help them? The key word here is help. If you are doing all of the work toward solving a problem, what is the other person learning? If you stop helping in a co-dependent way, you may offer your loved one the chance to show you they can solve the problem themselves. A key lies in respect – if you respect your loved one, then trust that they can take responsibility for their faults and clean them up. In other words, show the chemically dependent person that you respect them enough to let them show you what they are made of. If they have the right stuff, they will clean up their own act. In fact, the very act of turning the problem back to the person who created it, frees both of you to take responsibility for your own actions.

So how do you tell the difference between co-dependence and kindness? Well, one feels bad and the other feels good. One covers up the real problem, while the other brings the problem to the surface. One destroys self-esteem, while the other encourages self-esteem. Since you have a choice, the choice seems pretty simple. Choose positive self-esteem, honesty in solving problems, and taking and giving appropriate responsibility for one's actions. However, if you sense that you can’t break the cycle of codependence on your own get help from a trusted mental health advisor. 

For more information - visit Marriage Counseling - Breaking the Cycle of Codependence

If you are in a relationship with someone with Asperger Syndrome, I have no doubt that at some point you asked yourself, "Is this really love?" The reason why you may ask yourself this is because how do you know if you are loved if you partner never communicates that with you, or shows your, or has empathy? This leads to other perplexing questions like: How do you know if your love is received or understood by them? Can you be sure that your AS partner feels love the same way you do? Does it even matter? 

How can a relationship survive when the issue of love is questioned? This is such a delicate and sensitive subject that many will think about it, but will never discuss it. On March 16, 2013, Asperger Syndrome: Partners and Family of Adults with ASD Support Group will meet to discuss this issue. There is no easy answer or quick fix, but hopefully by having open and honest discussion can lead to a level of understanding that only those in this situation can understand. The meeting will be held in Portland, Oregon. If you do not live in the Portland area, please visit our webpage and become a member. The message boards are already discussing this topic online. We would love to hear your thoughts. 

For more on navigating through an Asperger relationship, pick up your own personal copy of my book - Life with a Partner or Spouse with Asperger Syndrome: Going Over the Edge. 

“I'd like to talk with you about something," she says.

"What now?" he asks with a sigh.

"Well I'd like to know what we are going to do about this problem," she says, starting to get frustrated.

"I'll take care of it. Stop pressuring me!" he shouts.

"I'm not pressuring you. I just want to help and I think we should talk about it," she says imploringly.

"I said I'd take care of it. I'm working on it. Why won't you get off my back?" he says emphatically.   

Does this conversation sound familiar? If it does, then you are most likely married or in a long-term relationship. These types of conversations are even more typical when a married couple also works together. Even though they may be common in relationships, it doesn't mean they are healthy. In fact they are frustrating and can cause long-term damage.   

In order to change the course of these conversations, there are three things to keep in mind. First, when couples live and work together there is an increased potential for misunderstanding. The more you are around anyone and the more you talk with that person, the more opportunity there is for miscommunication, misunderstanding and arguments. Second, when you work with the one you love, misunderstandings carry more weight than they might with someone you are not as emotionally connected with. You care more what they think of you and if they believe you care about them. Third, men and women problem solve differently. While men are competitive and want to prove themselves by solving the problem on their own, women strive to include others in the process of problem solving to come up with a group decision.

So if we take another look at the dialog above with these three considerations in mind, the miscommunication is much easier to unravel. First, the wife is trying to have a conversation with her husband about a subject that they have probably beaten to death, and with no resolution. She means well, but he feels like she is just shoving his face into the problem once again. Secondly, the husband also believes that she is accusing him of failing to solve the problem or to solve it quickly enough. In reality, she is offering to help him solve it. Third, the wife assumes that her husband understands that she is trying to help when she asks questions, but he can only hear that she is asking questions he cannot answer. (Click here read the reverse dialog when the couple understands these communication differences.)   

It may not always been this simple. It takes a lot of hard work to try to navigate communication pitfalls, but it can be done. The better you are at reading those subtle differences in style that can lead to tragedy or success, the more likely you are to be successful in all your communications in business. Set up an appointment with a marriage therapist/family business coach who can help guide you through this process.

For more information, take a look at my book Entrepreneurial Couples - Making it Work at Work and at Home.

Have you ever wondered if male menopause is real? You've probably heard about it, but what does it really mean and does it happen to every man? According to a study at the New England Journal of Medicine, male menopause is rare, affecting about 2% of men 40 and older. In order for a male to have male menopause, he must have low testosterone and three other sexual symptoms like erectile dysfunction, low desire, and poor morning erection.

Hormones changes are consistent with aging. Testosterone in males gradually decreases with age. It's estimated that after age 30, testosterone levels decrease by 1% every year. Every male is different and how their body reacts to changes is testosterone levels is different as well. If you are a male and are concerned about Low T and male menopause, speak to your doctor and have your testosterone levels checked. Don't be shy to share your symptoms with your doctor. They are used to discussing these sensitive issues. Be sure to ask your doctor about the pros and cons to taking testosterone.

If your hormone levels are where they should be and sex and intimacy are not functioning normally, you may want to make an appointment with a marriage counselor. For more information, visit Marriage Counseling - Love, Sex, and Intimacy. 

As promised, empathy in Asperger relationships is up for discussion again. On February 16, 2013, Asperger Syndrome: Partners & Family of Adults with ASD Support Group will be meeting to discuss - "Empathy Explains It All." I find myself talking about this topic again and again because it explains much about the mismatch in communication between someone with Asperger Syndrome and their Neuro-Typical partner.

 Why is empathy so important in relationships? Empathy is the ability to connect and know where the other is coming from at the same time that you know where you are coming from as well.  You don't have to agree with the other person to have empathy. You don't have to even be terribly interested in their interests. When you listen and are listened to...with empathy...a powerful connection occurs. It is the interpersonal world of connectedness that makes us feel loved and satisfied or even just okay. Empathy is so powerful that even research shows that a doctor who treats his patients with empathy will have better results.   

Empathy is usually lacking in an Asperger relationship. This can cause deep emotional pain for their NT partner. I chose this topic for the upcoming Meetup so we can listen to one another and empathize. Maybe empathy is lacking in the marriage, but you can find empathy amongst others who are dealing with a similar problem. Please join us for this important discussion whether it be in person or online.    

Do you remember the beginning stages of your marriage? Often times they are described as exciting, blissful, and passionate. Research shows that on average that lasts around 2 years.   

But what happens after? That period is often called "the slump." It's interesting to note that if couples push through the slump, they usually rekindle that initial phase after the children leave the home. Life becomes new, fresh, and exciting once again.    

Long-term passionate love is not realistic. It comes and goes. When it is gone, many couples suffer. It's not necessarily the passion they are missing, it is the element of surprise. Surprise stems from the brain. It affects the positive emotion in our brains, promoting a stronger emotional reaction.   

How can you develop the element of surprise in your marriage? One simple way is by doing new and exciting activities together. Pick an activity that you both would consider exciting. The fun and excitement you experience together as a couple will only bring you closer. If you do the same-old, same-old date night every week that is bound to be boring and keep you both complacent. Another way is to look for little opportunities to surprise your mate. How about slip a note into their briefcase? Or take your husband out to a ball game? When something is unexpected and loving, your bond will only grow closer. It takes thinking ahead and hard work, but it will be worth your while! (Read The New York Times article - New Love: A Short Shelf Life.)   

For more information, visit Marriage Counseling - Maintaining a Strong Marriage

Asperger Syndrome: Partners and Family of Adults with ASD Support Group continues to grow. There are three locations in Oregon: Eastside Portland, Westside Portland, and Beaverton. I am happy to announce that we are moving to California!    

This Meetup will be based in the Los Angeles area, but will rotate to different locations since LA County is so large. The first Meetup will be held in Pasadena on January 26, 2013. The following month, the Meetup will be in Redondo Beach. 

If you are interested in attending, please visit the Asperger Syndrome: Partners and Family of Adults with ASD webpage. Don't forget you can also become an online member if there are no meetings in your local area.

I look forward to hearing about the continued success of this group! Click here to read about how to find the right support group for you and your needs. 

What is an entrepreneurial couple? Since I wrote a book about entrepreneurial couples, I frequently hear that question. There are three types of entrepreneurial couples: solo entrepreneur with a support spouse, dual entrepreneurs, and copreneurs. It is important as an entrepreneurial couple to define which one you are. Let's now focus on one type: the solo entrepreneur with a support spouse.

 

Definition:

 

●  One partner owns and manages the business

●  The supportive partner helps out with the business part-time or psychologically

●  The supportive partner may be employed outside the business

 

Example:

 

Bob and Carol used to work together in their successful nursery and garden supply business, but Bob has since returned to his old employer leaving Carol to manage the business on her own, as a solo-entrepreneur. Bob has become the supportive spouse. He is employed elsewhere, providing emotional support to his wife’s business, but not really involved in the day-to-day management and headaches of running it. Carol, on the other hand, recognizes her talent as an entrepreneur and is much better suited to running the operation on her own as a sole proprietor.

 

Summary:

 

While each entrepreneur brings his or her own character, strengths, and weaknesses to the business, the supportive spouse also has qualities that balance with the qualities of their entrepreneurial spouse to create a specific relationship style and business. To learn more about the solo entrepreneur with a supportive spouse, download my eBook - Entrepreneurial Couples - Making it Work at Work and at Home.