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Kathy Marshack News

How to Have Tough Conversations & Give Useful Feedback

Wednesday, October 10, 2018


Learn why we have trouble with this type of conversation and discover 7 ways to ensure you always give fair, objective feedback when it’s needed.Don’t you love to receive praise and commendation? It feels so good. However, receiving, and even giving, criticism hurts. Even though feedback is supposed to makes us better at work and in life, we perceive it to be negative, because there’s a potential to hurt someone’s feelings or even destroy our relationship with them. That’s what makes these conversations so difficult.

Our unconscious biases contribute to this problem. They interfere with giving, and receiving, effective feedback. Your feelings about a person greatly impact how and what you say. For example, if you feel someone needs nurturing, you become gentler. If someone irritates you, you become blunter. Your biases may be influenced by so many things, like a person’s position, gender, financial status, familial relationship, or even looks.

If you want to give fair, objective feedback, first ask yourself, “Why am I giving this feedback?”

It’s helpful to identify what motivates you to give feedback. Are you lashing out and trying to settle a score? Or are you sincerely trying to help someone become a better person? Or does your motivation fit somewhere in between?

You can ensure you’re giving the most helpful feedback possible by remembering the 7 keys to giving thoughtful and objective feedback:

  1. Regularly give commendation, so criticism is easier to take, when it’s needed.

  2. Rather than focusing on personality flaws or differences, focus on actionable items that can be implemented immediately.

  3. Get all the facts. Before commenting, make sure you understand the whole situation.

  4. Be very specific about what’s wrong and what can be done to fix it.

  5. If you do have to give feedback on a personality trait, give specific examples of how the trait affected the task or situation at hand and how specific improvements can be made.

  6. Gather your courage to speak, by clearly defining your reasons for giving feedback. Holding back doesn’t benefit anyone.

  7. Bounce your criticism off of a trusted colleague first, but frame it as a conversation about professional development, not naming names or even hinting, so it doesn’t devolve into gossip.

A way to double check your feedback, to make sure it isn’t biased, is to ask yourself, “Would I give this feedback to anyone else in this situation?” When others see that you’re striving to be fair in your feedback, they’ll be more open to accepting it. And when you strive to see the intent of feedback given to you, it becomes easier to accept.

As a family business coach, I love helping families make it work at home and at work. If you live near Portland, OR/Vancouver, WA please contact my Jantzen Beach office and schedule an appointment. I also offer online therapy if that works best for your busy schedule.

Does Your Love Relationship Feel One-Sided? 10 Signs it Is!

Wednesday, September 19, 2018


My Neuro-Typical clients describe their relationships with their Autistic loved ones as feeling one-sided.

When you fell in love with your life partner, you, no doubt, had expectations that your emotional and physical needs would be met. As you got to know each other, you opened up and talked. You were on your way to building emotional intimacy. When you began a life together, you felt loved and wanted. But what do you do when your life dramatically changes on you? Is there any way to cope when you feel like you’re married to Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde?


That’s the life many of my Neuro-Typical clients live. They often describe their relationships with their Autistic loved ones as feeling one-sided. It’s odd isn’t it that our Aspies don’t feel the same way? As long as their needs are met, they don’t seem to notice that we’re lonesome, sad, or frustrated. Worse, when we try to explain how we feel, they draw a blank look or get defensive. Once again it’s one-sided…and not in our favor.

So how do you know if you’re in a one-sided relationship?

  1. You have to initiate conversation.
  2. Your partner takes, without giving.
  3. You give up your friends for his or quit socializing altogether.
  4. You apologize for things you shouldn’t have to.
  5. You’re always soothing ruffled feathers.
  6. You justify his behavior to friends and family.
  7. You never feel peace, but you’re always walking on egg shells.
  8. You’re made to feel like you’re a burden or an afterthought.
  9. You’re loving gestures aren’t reciprocated.
  10. You feel alone.

Feeling like your relationship is one-sided doesn’t necessarily mean your partner doesn’t care about you, in his or her own way. Lack of empathy is the reason for this one-sidedness, but that reason isn’t comforting is it? Instead we need tools for interacting with our Aspies, since they aren’t wired to connect. We also need tools to keep from going crazy over these one-way relationships.

One of the necessary tools is our Asperger Syndrome: Partners & Family of Adults with ASD group, where you can at least connect with others who get it. Support is essential to your mental health. But there are other more direct tools too. There are ways to problem solve with your ASD loved ones, even if their default mode is one-way.

If this topic interests you, and you’re a member of my Asperger Syndrome: Partners & Family of Adults with ASD group, please make plans to attend our Video Conference: “One-Way Relationships.” It will be held on both Tuesday, October 2nd and Thursday, October 11th. Let’s explore all of your options.

If you prefer one-on-one counseling, and you live near Portland, OR/Vancouver, WA please contact my Jantzen Beach office and schedule an appointment. I also offer online therapy if that works best for your busy schedule.

Do You Know What to Do When People Let You Down?

Wednesday, September 12, 2018


How do you handle it when people let you down? When feelings get hurt, we often do things we’re not proud of. Here’s a warrior technique for handling disappointments so you have fewer regrets.  We’ve all experienced it...You confide in your best friend, and she betrays you, by telling someone else. To her, it’s not a big thing. To you, your friendship is OVER, because you can’t trust her anymore. While this scenario may seem somewhat juvenile, it illustrates how often and how easy it is for people to let us down.

So how do you handle it when people let you down? Do you overreact and keep everyone at arm’s length, refusing to trust or rely on anyone from here on out? That’s not really a reasonable or practical response, is it? Because you’ve let them down, too. You can’t expect people to be perfect, just as you should be glad that no one expects you to be perfect.

People disappoint people. It’s a fact of life we have to learn to live with. We can’t get all bent out of shape every time it happens, because we’d soon run out of friends. And we can’t afford to lose them. We need relationships for our own well-being. Loving relationships are the number one predictor of a happy life. Without trust you can’t be happy. So how do you balance the hurt with the happiness?

Put it to the test

In situations like this, I often encourage people to increase their ability to show empathy. And yet they say, “How is THAT going to help?” I know they’re thinking, “How is MY empathy going to change HIM? He’s the one that needs more empathy!” But increasing your empathy is a warrior technique for managing your own attitudes and emotions. And that is what will improve any situation.

One way to turn on your Radiant Empathy powers is to put situations that make you feel used or betrayed to this test:

Ask yourself how you would feel if the tables were turned.

What if you didn’t realize the importance of a confidence and you told someone what you knew. How would you feel if your friend cut you off, because she felt betrayed? Wouldn’t you want an opportunity to explain? Wouldn’t you want a second chance? Wouldn’t you want to be forgiven?

Forgiveness is a necessary part of life. When you forgive, you’re not just giving to the offending party, but giving to yourself. And as much as forgiveness is a virtue, so is taking responsibility for one's mistakes and correcting them. Simply saying "I didn't mean to" doesn’t take full responsibility for the error. It's as if you’re saying that no wrongdoing was done if you "didn't mean to." So the next time those words start forming on your lips, stop and make a straightforward apology for your actions and offer to clean up the problem, whether you committed the deed "accidentally" or intentionally. The more you practice this, the more others will respond in kind.

People will cause you problems — but they also will be your biggest source of happiness. That’s why I’m busily working on a training program that will help you develop the highest form of empathy. Does this interest you? Visit this post on my Facebook page and let me know. The more I know about your needs, the better the training will become.


Learn How to Talk About Failure in a Highly Productive Way

Wednesday, September 05, 2018


Even if you feel like you’re going to die of embarrassment, you can learn how to talk about failure in a highly productive way. Here are five things that will help you resiliently turn a failure into a positive experience.Have you heard the expression, “Fail Fast”? It’s a catchphrase that today’s entrepreneurs use to remind themselves that failure isn’t a bad thing, because it informs us on ways we can improve as individuals and companies. If we learn from failure, we can work on a better product, a stronger strategy, and a clearer sense of purpose, and what we need to do to achieve our dreams. Failure cultivates humility, builds resilience, and breeds courage.

But for failure to do the most good, we have to be willing to talk about it. In fact, research shows that talking about failure can make us happier and more productive.

Even if you’re the type of person who wants to hide every mistake; even if you feel overwhelming shame and embarrassment; or even if you physical cringe and feel sick when you think about it – you can learn to see the positive in a failed situation.

Humans are not perfect, so we shouldn’t be ashamed of failing. Nor should we be ashamed of the feelings that come with our reaction to failure. How you feel is natural. The important thing is to reflect on how it can be turned into a learning experience for yourself and others. An informative New York Times article outlines five ways you can turn failure into a positive experience. Here are some of the highlights:

1. Focus on the fact that face-to-face conversations around failure are opportunities to build stronger connections among colleagues.

2. Frame the incident as, ‘Can you help me?’ This dignifies the person as knowing more than you and activates the spirit of helping.

3. Remember that discussing failures humanizes you by showing that you’re not perfect. This makes you more approachable and relatable.

4. When you look for the positive in a failed situation, you develop greater empathy for others when they fail.

5. Failure identifies processes and protocols that aren’t complete, so it provides an opportunity to improve on them.

It takes the Resilience Factor to frame failure as a positive learning experience. If you work with your spouse in a family business, it can be especially difficult to discuss failures, because it affects not only your business life, but your home life too. However, it’s critical that you don’t hide your failures. Learn to use them to draw you closer to your business/life partner.

If your family company doesn’t have a culture that welcomes this kind of openness, it might be beneficial for you to start working with a family business coach. If you live near Portland, OR/Vancouver, WA please contact my Jantzen Beach office and schedule an appointment. I also offer online therapy if that works best for you.

Is It Time to Renew an Old Friendship?

Wednesday, August 29, 2018


why it’s good to keep old friendships alive and how you can renew a lost friendshipHow many friends do you have? If you’re like many people today, your thoughts may immediately go to the number of Facebook friends you have. The word friend has taken on a very casual meaning, since social media has become part of our lives. We can “friend” people we don’t even know. Or we can “unfriend” someone with the click of a button.

While there is a place for Facebook friends, it’s not a substitute for close friendships. Between true friends is a special bond of affection and respect that takes time and effort to develop. According to a report in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, an acquaintance becomes a casual friend after around 50 hours of shared activities and everyday talk; a best friend takes more than 200 hours.

Friends are especially important to our health and well-being, as we age. Studies show people with close friends have lower incidences of inflammation and chronic illnesses and higher levels of happiness. Friends help us remember and reminisce about important milestones in our lives.

To have a good friend, you have to be a good friend. Recently I read a New York Times article that reminds us that we shouldn’t let good, close friendships fade away, if we can help it. It also gave some interesting tips on how to revive a friendship from the past. Here are a few highlights:

Why did the friendship fade?

You might have outgrown the friendships for a very good reason, so it’s good to consider if it’s worth reviving. If you’ve kept in touch somewhat, it will be easier to rekindling your relationship.

Why do you want to renew the friendship?

It’s important to be honest about why you’re reaching out now. Your reason can be as simple as you miss the person. If you’re going through a similar life experience, you can use that as a way to make a genuine connection without appearing to be intrusive or prying.

What do you hope to get out of your renewed friendship?

As with any new relationship, it’s good to start slowly and be slightly guarded. Put out some feelers and see if that person is open to renewing a friendship. If you get a positive response, slowly draw that person back into your life. Don’t assume you know them and can trust them. You’re basically starting over, so avoid sensitive topics at first.

Are you prepared for whatever happens?

You have to be willing to be vulnerable to put yourself out there, without being sure of the response you’ll get. It’s a real possibility that your overtures of friendship may be rejected. Do you have enough self-compassion to allow them the dignity of making that choice without taking it personally?

As Robert Louis Stevenson so eloquently stated: “A friend is a gift you give yourself.” Close, personal friendships add so much joy and richness to our lives. Why not think about some friends you haven’t talked with for a long time, and reach out and see where it takes you. I’d love to hear about your rekindled friendships over on my Facebook page.

Has Your Trust Been Betrayed? Learn How Your Brain Bias Tricks You

Wednesday, June 27, 2018


Find out where the decision–making process is breaking down when you trust someone you shouldn’t. Learn to recognize your own biases and use critical thinking to determine if there’s a solid basis for trusting someone.Have you ever put your trust in someone and then been disappointed? As evidenced by the number of divorces, failed business ventures, or broken friendships, it happens often. Which leads us to ask: Since the brain’s function is to protect us, why does it let us make bad decisions that harm us? Where is the decision–making process breaking down?

Because we’re bombarded with vast amounts of information every day, the brain uses shortcuts that allow the nonconscious brain to do things on autopilot, like tying your shoe or ducking when something is thrown at you.

But we get into trouble when these shortcuts are based on cultural biases that have been unwittingly encoded into our brains. They can lead us to draw wrong conclusions.

Oftentimes, these biases are based on similarity (“People like me are better than people who aren’t”); experience (“My perception of the world must be accurate”); and expedience (“It feels right, so it must be true”). As a result, we end up making major decisions based on criteria that doesn’t matter…the appearance, social position, mannerisms or talkativeness of a person. (Yes, in this culture, people who talk a lot are viewed as more trustworthy.)

It’s important to recognize your own biases and employ critical thinking to determine if there’s a solid basis for trusting and believing someone. Here are some tips:

  • Buy yourself some time between receiving information and making a decision.

  • Write out the precise steps that led to your decision and double check to see if you’re missing a vital piece of information or are misinterpreting something.

  • Talk it over with someone. As you hear yourself explain the situation, you’ll be more likely to identify your own faulty thinking. Their feedback can be invaluable, too.

  • Keep learning, because knowledge is power. The more you know, the less likely you’ll be duped or misled. 

  • In a business setting, have people write down their ideas, then review the ideas anonymously — that way you’re deciding based on the strength of the idea, not on the source.

Sometimes we make decisions that don’t feel right, because they go against our own notions of propriety and goodwill. To make healthier decisions, don’t always assume you must go with the flow for someone else’s sake. Develop the flexibility to be charitable to others, yet still have the common sense to take care of yourself.

Easier said than done, right? That’s why I wrote, “WHEN EMPATHY FAILS.” Along with my personal story, it’s a guidebook for enhancing self-awareness and empathically making decisions that protect yourself, while allowing others the dignity to live life as they choose. This is what I call EmD-5 or Radiant Empathy.

How to Speak to your Aspie so They Listen and Understand

Monday, June 04, 2018


Have you noticed any patterns that get in the way of your Aspie listening to you? Here are some some things to avoid and to include in your conversation.When you want to have a relationship with someone who has Asperger’s Syndrome, you have to learn a new language...Aspergian. This involves understanding their unique patterns of thought and speech. With this understanding, you can neutralize everyone's distress.

Something clicked for me when I recognized the mindset of Aspies. I started developing an awareness of what they meant, why they do what they do, and how to communicate with them in their language. The mind blindness, the context blindness, the lack of empathy - understanding all of this helped me to think like an Aspie. Once I got it, I could speak to them so that they would listen, actually hear me.

This is no easy feat of course. Step one is to get our emotions and traditional beliefs out of the way. Step two is recognizing that Aspies want the same things we do, though they go about it differently. Step three is to speak their language - because they can't learn ours.

If you’re a member of my Asperger Syndrome: Partners & Family of Adults with ASD group, I invite you to attend the next video conference entitled, How to speak to your Aspie so that they will listen. It will held on Tuesday, June 12th or Wednesday, June 27th. Each aspie is different, but you will find that there are communication patterns they all follow. Come prepared to write down your own Rules of Engagement, as you identify problem areas in your communication. Here are a few suggestions to get you started:

Things to avoid when speaking with your Aspie

  • Sarcasm
  • Double entendre
  • Ambiguity or vagueness
  • Hints
  • Passive-aggressive speech
  • Slang or colloquialisms
  • Metaphors
  • Beating around the bush


Things to include when speaking with your Aspie

  • Say what you actually mean.
  • Be open with your intentions.
  • Voice your feelings but remind them this isn’t a criticism of them.
  • Speak clearly and concisely, without rambling.
  • Ask direct questions.
  • Ask them to do one thing at a time.
  • Withdraw from circular arguments.
  • Accept that sometimes communication will hit a brick wall.
  • Remain patient and calm.

Have you noticed any patterns that get in the way of your Aspie listening to you? Join me on Facebook and let’s start brainstorming some solutions.

The Chemistry of Friendship – What Explains It?

Wednesday, May 16, 2018


Why do we “click” with certain people? Often our friendships are based on commonalities, but science reveals our genes and brain chemistry play a part, too. Why are you friends with one person, but not with another? What makes us “click” with only certain individuals? It’s true that often our choice of friendship is based on things we have in common, such as age, race, religion, socioeconomic status, education, or politics. And science reveals that our genetic makeup influences our choice of friends to a certain degree. Now a recent New York Times article reports on research that shows it also a matter of chemistry…brain chemistry, that is.

After studying the social network among a class of 279 graduate students, researchers found that friends resemble each other in the actual structure of their brains.

As the group watched video clips, the researchers took MRI scans, which revealed that the brain’s neural activity was similar among the people who were friends. The scans showed their brains actually responded to video clips in the same way. Researchers could predict the strength of a social bond based on observing these brain scans. That’s amazing! I’d love to see this test applied to people with Empathy Dysfunction. I wonder what it would show.

Living without friendship is as damaging as other health risks, such as obesity, high blood pressure, or smoking. One research project shows that social isolation elevates fibrinogen, a protein associated with inflammation and chronic disease.

Why not call or text a friend right now and meet them sometime this week? Not only will you have fun. It’s also good medicine for your physical, emotional and mental health! Never be “too busy” for your friends. A close friend is a priceless treasure.

There's a wise saying, "to have a friend, you have to be a friend." People who cultivate radiant empathy have strong, lasting friendships. I’ll show you how to cultivate greater empathy in my book, “When Empathy Fails – How to stop those hell-bent on destroying you.” Not only will your social life improve, but you’ll also have the skills to protect yourself from any toxic relationships you encounter.

Is It Possible You’re Being Too Nice?

Wednesday, April 11, 2018


Today the word “nice” means “pleasant and agreeable”, “respectable”. But did you know it first meant “foolish” or “stupid”? Is there ever a time when being nice is a foolish thing? Can you be too nice? Actually, yes. It happens when a person goes overboard, is too sensitive, becoming hyper-empathic.Today the word “nice” has the meaning of “pleasant and agreeable”, and “respectable”. But did you know it first meant “foolish” or “stupid”? Is there ever a time when being nice is a foolish thing? Actually, yes.

Please don’t misunderstand. There’s a place for niceness. It’s good to be nice and open the door for a disabled person. Or to diffuse your partner’s frustration by being nice and speaking calmly.

But what if someone is being abusive or manipulative towards you? Should you grit your teeth and stand there taking it, because you want to be nice? Not at all. You don’t have to be rude, but you don’t have to, nor should you, put up with it.

Being kind, nice, and compassionate are all degrees of being empathic. Empathy is what holds human society together, because we look out for each other. But there are times when being nice and empathic can go horribly wrong.

In attempts to help others, a person can go overboard and be too sensitive, even becoming hyper-empathic. Another term for this is “pathological altruism.” That’s when people, with the best of intentions, cause harm because they’re blind to the potential consequences of their actions.

For example: What if your husband regularly cheats on you, “because he was abused as a child?” You love him and sympathize with his horrible childhood. You don’t want to add to his suffering, so you’re nice, turning a blind eye, pretending the infidelity isn’t happening.

A better way to handle this situation is to think of the long-term consequences. Is being nice going to improve your relationship? Is it going to make you feel cherished? What message is it sending to your children? Is being “empathetic” going to help him recover from his childhood trauma? Are you holding him accountable for his actions?

Another example: Your sister has just been diagnosed with diabetes. She’s overweight and has a terrible sweet tooth. You know she loves Whoppers, and you want to give her a special treat. Are you going to be nice and sympathize with her desire for candy? Is that really what’s best for her?

Always being “nice” can also make you more vulnerable to exploitation by manipulative people. Narcissists and psychopaths prey on empathic and altruistic individuals. (You can learn more about this in my new book, “WHEN EMPATHY FAILS.”) So the next time you’re tempted to be nice, take a moment to think about the consequences and make sure it won’t harm either yourself or others.

Radiant empathy has clear boundaries, because it’s governed by the good of self and others. Those with the greatest empathy, EmD-5s can detach from the games others play yet keep constant in their love—for themselves—and others. They hold dear the thoughts and feelings of others while staying true to themselves.

Would you like to explore how you can increase your empathic skills? If you live near Portland, OR/Vancouver, WA please contact my Jantzen Beach office and schedule an appointment. I also offer online therapy if that works best for your busy schedule.

New Romance? Will Your Heart or Head Lead You to Happiness?

Monday, March 19, 2018


It’s only natural to want to fall in love. Our heart says go full steam ahead because it feels so good. But impulsive action is not always wise. Too many relationships fizzle as fast as they flame.

How can you get your heart and head to work together in a way that leads to happiness? I do believe you can find your soul mate. However, if you’re only in it for a casual relationship, say so before anyone gets hurt. If you want a long-term committed relationship, remember these basic principles:

Commit to your boundaries. Before you begin a relationship, determine what you will or won’t tolerate. Also, identify what you will allow yourself to do. Each of us gives importance to certain ideals and values. Sticking to these creates integrity.

Don’t lose your identity. Hold onto some of your alone time, friend time, and work time. That way you won’t have to fight to get it back later. Your heart may be telling you to ignore your ideals and values for the momentary pleasure, but in the long run you won’t be happy if you sell out. It’s the beginning of losing who you are and what’s important to you. Remember, you won’t be happy if you have to suppress important parts of yourself to keep the peace.

There are three stages to romantic relationships:

  • Stage one – the honeymoon stage of total togetherness.
  • Stage two – you start to assert your individuality again.
  • Stage three – you both meet in the middle and create a genuine, healthy integration of your lives.

Learn to deal with disappointments. No relationship is perfect. Unrealistic expectations undermine your ability to see and appreciate the good in your partner. If you find someone who can work with you to manage disappointment, you can build an enduring trust that lasts a lifetime.

Open up to each other slowly. Think “delightful discovery” not a brain dump. Reveal your story over time as it becomes contextually relevant. At first, the temptation may be to idealize yourself, creating a high, and not altogether accurate, expectation you can’t live up to. Ask yourself, “What mental image is he (or she) forming of me?” One caveat – if you’re dating someone who makes you want to hide your true self, beware.

Ask for what you need. Know what you need and how to ask for it. Yes, this takes self-awareness and forethought. I can’t stress enough the importance of doing this introspective work before you begin a relationship. Then don’t be too shy to talk about your intimate needs.

Be on the alert for narcissistic tendencies, because empathy dysfunctions such as this are more common than you might think. If the other person only wants to be noticed, validated and affirmed, without giving the same to you, end things quickly and don’t try to change him or her. Toxic relationships can damage your mental, physical, emotional and spiritual health for a long time.

My new book, “When Empathy Fail – how to stop those hell-bent on destroying you”, (now available for purchase) is designed to provide practical, no-nonsense advice that helps you protect yourself from toxic relationships. The first chapter is free for download, so feel free to download your copy. I’d love your honest feedback after you’ve read it. Please come over to my Facebook page and share your thoughts.



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