I do believe it’s possible to prevent or at least better tolerate a high conflict divorce. Anyone going through a life changing experience like a divorce, high conflict or otherwise, should seek the support of a therapist, your church, and other groups supportive of your experience. You’re going to need a level head. And while friends and family love you, your therapist will be more objective. This objectivity will help you stay out of the power struggles that the controlling person can create in a high conflict divorce.
If at all possible, work with a mediator to craft a win-win solution to your divorce. Be willing to compromise and to walk away with a “half fair deal.” In the long run, walking away from your money and possessions is worth it to avoid the acrimony. Remember, too, that it’s only your perception that you’re getting an unfair deal. With the dollars you save on legal fees, you can free up your life to explore a new and healthier way of living.
On the other hand, if you’re up against a party who refuses to negotiate honorably, then you have to use another strategy. And the most important thing to consider is that your desire to be reasonable and fair may be exactly what does you in. When you seek a win-win solution but the other party seeks a win-lose solution, the other party is in the driver’s seat, at least in our current Divorce Court environment.
So here’s a simple answer if you don’t wish to stoop to the underhanded level. Do your best to secure a fair, mediated agreement. If you can’t quickly swing a mediated agreement with the controlling party, don’t hesitate and hope that he or she will somehow change their mind. You need to act swiftly before you’re inundated. Give them what they want and count your blessings that they allow you to get away.
Never, ever, go to Court with a controlling person who wants nothing more than to trash and burn you especially if they have means (i.e. money or power). And never, ever, go to Court with a controlling person if you have children to protect. The Court system is designed to determine a winner and a loser, not resolve conflict amicably and certainly not to protect the innocent.
Regardless of what you lose in the way of material goods or even psychological status in your community, trust that taking the high road means that you and your children will be able to sleep soundly at night. The gift to yourself and your family is to walk away from these Divorce Wars with your integrity and compassion in tact. And that counts for a lot!
I know what you’re going through. If you live near Portland, OR/Vancouver, WA and would like me to assist you, please contact my office and schedule an appointment.
Learn more on my website: High Conflict Divorce.