Listening, talking, communicating, resolving problems, making joint decisions… these are requirements for a successful marriage or partnership.

Here are some tips for effective communication:

• LOOK FOR THE MEANING BEHIND THE WORDS
The first place to start if you want to be heard is to listen yourself. This is easier said than done. However, once you become good at listening, half the current misunderstandings will disappear. One simple way to begin your education at becoming a better listener is to ask yourself “Why is he or she telling me this?” In other words, you are looking for the meaning behind the words. People have good intentions. But often their words don’t reflect the inner meaning. To be able to respond to this inner meaning, you must put yourself in his or her shoes and ask yourself what is the meaning behind these words or behavior?

• INTERPRETING THE HIDDEN MESSAGE
Another step in becoming a good listener is to realize that people cannot not communicate with you. That is, they are always sending you meaningful (meaningful to them) messages if you can only learn to interpret them. So even if you think you are getting resistance from someone, realize that this individual is telling you something that is important to them. After practicing nothing but listening for a few weeks, you should be getting pretty good at figuring out the other person’s reality.

• UNDERSTANDING THEIR “MAP OF REALITY”
Remember, we all live in our “maps” of reality. Your interpretation of reality is not necessarily superior to any other person’s. Maps are just a convenient way to structure our lives. In figuring out another person’s map of reality and responding to it, you begin to let the other person feel respected, appreciated, even loved. In order to respond to another person, it is necessary to put your own ego aside and look at things the way they do.

• SPEAK THEIR LANGUAGE
Listen, observe and learn the “language” of the other person. Once you begin to speak their language, you will be surprised how much they want to learn yours. In other words, the real key to learning to talk so that others will listen is to learn the art of drawing people to you. By developing your creative listening skills, others will want to talk with and listen to you too!

Take a look at the Marriage Counseling section of my website for more advice on communicating.

In my new upcoming book on Asperger’s Syndrome I focus primarily on men with AS. However, I’m not going to skip over women with AS, they actually suffer a great deal. Being an eccentric man is somewhat more acceptable in society. Who doesn’t like the Absent Minded Professor? But women with Asperger’s Syndrome face unique challenges. They don’t meet up with the same acceptance in society.

Women also appear to be more aware than their male counterparts that relationships are important to attend to. They generally accept that it is a woman’s duty to care for the children and maintain the household and in general keep the family happy and healthy. But they are just not very well equipped to handle this role.

So what’s a woman to do? Explore the little known world of Asperger’s Syndrome and teach yourself how to navigate the world from the lessons you’ve learned. I also believe in self acceptance. My book will talk about how women with AS can learn to accept themselves and love their families in their own unique way.

As a therapist I’ve observed firsthand how much better my clients feel when they’ve had the opportunity to talk about their concerns. It’s interesting that scientific research is backing that up. According to a study from the University of California, describing emotions like grief and disappointment can put the brakes on brain activity that generates those feelings. By using MRI scans researchers saw changes in the brain when participants described the scary or sad faces they saw.

Sometimes talking to a sympathetic friend or family member does the trick. However, there are times when you could really benefit most from professional guidance. So, how do you know if you need counseling or psychotherapy? The short answer is when your emotional problems are overwhelming you to the point of spending several hours a day thinking about them, you should consider seeking professional help. I encourage you to read more about this in an article I wrote - When to Seek Professional Help for Personal Problems.

My youngest daughter is graduating from High School in a couple weeks. Yes our children grow up quickly and they must make their way in the world as adults. Some are off to college, others to travel, others the military, and many straight off to work. Whatever, their direction, they are no longer kids. We may think they still need guidance, but they will move into adulthood without looking back. If we haven’t prepared them for this move by now, we have little to say anymore about the life paths they will choose.

As a Family/Business Coach I’ve observed that for family-owned businesses preparing children for entering into adult life is different in some ways than for other families. Parents teach their children to integrate independence and confidence. They are preparing their children to fly freely and strongly when they leave the nest. But in a family business the assumption may be that the child will stay in the nest; that they are being groomed to take over the family business when the parents retire. This can often create a real conflict of interest. Take a look at this article I wrote if you need some suggestions on how to balance the needs of the business with the needs of your children - http://www.kmarshack.com/publications/columns/200204a.html.

My publisher asked me to write a chapter on how Asperger’s Syndrome affects intimacy for couples. When a mate has AS, it does have a tremendous impact on this important aspect of marriage. If empathy and reciprocity are difficult in general for those with Asperger’s why would they do better in the bedroom? In an environment that is 90% nonverbal? Unfortunately, many with Asperger’s Syndrome start avoiding sex because they cannot seem to get it right. Their mates expect the relationship to deepen over time and are frustrated when it does not.

There are practical steps both partners can take that I’ll be addressing in the book. I should have a target date for publication soon – stay tuned!

I’ve decided to add my blog to my website. It now blends in with the rest of my site and hopefully makes it more accessible to my readers.

It’s been hard to find time to update my blog since I’m putting the finishing touches on my latest book – A Sliver in My Mind: Loving Those With Asperger Syndrome. I found a fantastic book publisher that believes in me and my story. The editor also knows that Asperger’s Syndrome is a hot topic. So stay tuned for the latest book news!

I’m so pleased that this project is moving forward because I’ve received hundreds of emails from people who are desperate for some help. I have also received interest from the media . . . take a look at the USA Today article - www.kmarshack.com/news/media/USATodayJuly232007.pdf. This tells me that people are desperately in need of guidance in this area. If you’re in a relationship with someone who has Asperger Syndrome go to the Asperger & Marriage section on this website for more information.

I just got back from a presentation in New York. It was freezing cold. It seems wherever I travel I see that Family Businesses, no matter where they’re located or what industry they’re in, all deal with similar challenges. This is true in Florida, Texas, Kansas and a host of other states I’ve visited. I was reminded of this once again during my presentation in New York on “Handling Stress in a Family Business” which was hosted by Niagara University.

The entrepreneurial couples I talked to love their lifestyle but sometimes they wish they had better tools to address the challenges of working with loved ones. I was happy to share with them what I’ve learned by coaching hundreds of entrepreneurs. I must say that Niagara University’s Family Business Center is definitely committed to strengthening family owned businesses through the exchange of knowledge.

If you’re looking for more tools check out my website designed specifically for entrepreneurs – www.entrepreneurialcouplescom.

The increase in the number of women choosing an entrepreneurial path is playing a role in the growth of husband-wife teams. Take a look at the article ‘Til Death Do Us Part in the January 2008 issue of Inc. magazine that I was recently interviewed for -http://www.inc.com/articles/2008/01/couples.html.

Statistics support that conclusion. According to the Census Bureau, from 1997 to 2006, the number of women-owned businesses increased 42.3 percent. In the article I explain how times have changed, “In the past, men tended to open a business and often a wife is helping, but he doesn’t always see her as his partner. Now, women are more entrepreneurial and recognizing that more in themselves than they used to.”

Remember to check out my site http://www.executivecouples.com/ if you’re looking for advice for entrepreneurial couples.

Happy New Year! Well I am a little late I suppose. But I do wish you all a very happy and prosperous New Year. As for me, this year portends of many new adventures. My book, “A Sliver in My Mind” should finally be published. This is a tender story of loving those with Asperger’ Syndrome.

In fact I attended an event that my Aspie daughter would have loved, “Walking With Dinosaurs.” What a spectacular performance. My daughter fell in love with Paleontology when she was preschooler. Not dinosaurs mind you, but paleontology. She was very upset when Disney’s “Dinosaur” movie showed grasses at a time period they had not yet emerged! Even though the audience was filled with young families, I enjoyed the performance because it brought back many a memory of sharing the love of paleontology and paleobiology and paleobotany with my daughter. Now she is all grown up and onto other things. . . though I suspect paleontology is still a favorite.

One of my friends sent me a lovely email with an attachment, “An Interveiw With God.” The sentiment is very sweet and a good message for the New Year. Please enjoy the moment and fill your heart with love and forgiveness. It might just make your life . . . and the world a better place.

It’s been interesting watching all the news coverage on Heather Kuzmich. Heather has Asperger’s Syndrome and for the past 11 weeks, her struggle to cope with her disability has played out on national television. She has been selected to compete on the popular reality television show “America’s Next Top Model.”

I regularly post news stories related to AS on my website. You can check it out at - http://www.kmarshack.com/news/related_news.html.